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Whatever Happened to Predictability?…The Milkman? The Paperboy? Meth Addicted Jesus Freaks? December 10, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in Pop Culture Rants, TV.
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Kimmy Gibbler, I don’t know where you are right now. Maybe you’re raising a family of annoying neighbor character actor children who you will tour with like a hell spawned Von Trapp family. Maybe you are secretly working with producers in attempt to orchestrate your comeback special with guest appearances by Sha Na Na and the deaf girl from Facts of Life. Or maybe you are performing Lady Macbeth with the Portsmouth Shakespeare Festival. Whatever the case, I am warning you thusly. The Full House curse is in full swing. And you are the final name on the list.

First off, let me congratulate you on the wonders of just what the show was. I know you had little to do with it, other than pitch perfect line readings and flawless comic timings (limited mostly to “stinky feet takes” which last I checked is an inherent talent and not taught in most acting schools.) Full House was just another in the long line of the sitcom theory that men taking care of young children is funny. It started way back in the My Three Sons days, which coupled two men raising three boys and wacky antics ensued. You had musty old Conrad Bain (coincidentally, Miss Gibbler, doing Shakespeare up in Portsmouth…his Claudius is what might be right for you, might be right for some) raising orphaned children “diff’rently.” Guys finally raised girls in My Two Dads (Whould’ve thought that the mousy nebbish one would be the big star while the good looking established TV star would be battling Jeff Fahey, Traci Lords and Gary Busey for Straight to Video/Late night Cinemax MVP?) And then Full House came along. It shirked the stigma by not committing too far to broad comedy and not too maudlin. Sure, the strings strung whenever Dad or one of the “uncles” had a heartfelt talk, but it also played well with broad comedy and lesson based humor.

Now we’ve all heard of the “young actor” curse, as I’m sure your agent warned you about when you eschewed normal teenage frivolity and replaced it with on-set tutors and the glitz and glamour of a family sitcom. The aforementioned shows all had their kids go through it. The Diff’rent Strokes cast alone was responsible for every major crime in the LA area from the years 1982 to 1989 (save 1987, when the little girl from Benson was a one women felony machine.) I’m pretty sure the girl from My Two Dads was busted for cocaine and I think a few of the Three Sons killed themselves (and if they didn’t, they should have…those dickies and patent leather shoes are a tough act to grow out of.) It seems to strike the TV children of unusual family situations even harder. You thought you were safe, because as the years went by, the Full House premise became more and more mundane. They had married couples, added a few female influences and took you to Disney World. Maybe the producers and writers knew about the curse and tried to save you all by removing the “different family” stigma, thus saving all of you from a life of crime. Yet, like a Brady Hawaiian idol or that weird San Francisco house being built on an Indian burial ground, they created something much worse. They upset the natural order of the TV gods that wanted you and DJ and that weird little effeminate kid who sang showtunes they brought on in Season 6 to all commit acts of violence. And when you didn’t, they unleashed the curse on the whole cast. And you are next.

Think about it. The Curse exists. Bob Saget is now doomed to live out the rest of his career as the smarmy old man, which, thanks to Mark Foley, isn’t exactly rocketing up the casting director’s watch list. Dave Coulier let women “go down on him in a theatre” and is now the man behind every single act of female angst from 1997 to 1999 (If you don’t get that one, that’s “Ironic,” don’t ya think?) And John Stamos lost his wife to the fat kid in Stand By Me and must now live out his days hoping and praying ER doesn’t come to it’s senses and cancel the show (It’s old and jumping the shark almost weekly…somebody take the hospital out to pasture.) And while Lori Laughlin may seem safe, eight hundred failed roles on every CW show ever speak otherwise.

Now if the curse just manifested itself in the adults, it would leave you safe. But the gods finally had their say and it made it’s way to the young ones. Jodie Sweetin – whole lot of meth. The Olsen Twins crotch shots should be on the Internet any day now. And Candace Cameron? Other than having a brother who gives Tom Cruise a run for the coveted “Cute ex-teen star turned crazy religious zealot” award, you did the unthinkable. You married a HOCKEY PLAYER. A hockey player? Come now, it’s not America’s fifth most watched sport for no reason at all.

I can’t speak for all the other guest starring kids and adults who graced you over the years. Rationale would say that by not hearing from them means they are all in jails or back alleys across the country, living out their sad existences, wishing they had stumbled into the auditions for Family Matters instead. (Urkel, the fat guy who was in Die Hard, the aunt who was in the group with Tony Orlando—all fine upstanding and moral individuals.)

But you. You can still be saved. I don’t know if you can reverse the TV gods smite, but you sure can try.  Reach out to your castmates and learn from their mistakes. Then distance yourself immediately. Start anew and never mention what went on in that four-story house ever again. No hanging with the Beach Boys. And most of all, hope and pray the gods smile on you. Maybe ask Urkel how he did it. Just don’t ask Screech. That hot tub line is just a put on. I wish you luck and hope you are on your way to salvation. And if you know where the twins are, take them with you. And run. Shooby-doo-whop-doo-wha.

(And to let you know, Portsmouth auditions are this Wednesday. Bring one contemporary, one classic. I suggest the soliloquy from the episode where you got really drunk….Hey if you’re gonna tempt fate, tempt with gusto.)

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Comments»

1. Tracey - December 10, 2006

Really love your work. Some of those names really take me back to my younger years. Very funny stuff. Cheers.

2. doctorolove - December 11, 2006

Thanks Tracey! You got it dude!

3. andrew - March 24, 2007

i love full house

4. Jesus H. Christ - May 29, 2008

Fuck you full house, fuck you and your cast too!

5. marco - November 22, 2008

ich liebe full house


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