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If I Ruled The World….Imagine That? December 3, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in Pop Culture Rants.
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When we were kids, we all had dreams. Everybody wanted to be a fireman or a policeman. Some of us blessed with hand and eye coordination dreamed of taking the field as a ball player. And there was that one kid down the block who seemed overly obsessed with fashion. He wanted to design dresses. But nobody talked about him. And now that he’s on Project Runway, he never calls anyway, so whatever.

But even more of us still wanted to be superheroes. How could we not see this as a lucrative career move? Not only do you get untold powers, strength and media coverage, but more often than not you get your choice of girls. Sure, we were still investigating the reported gradual diminishing of the “cootie” virus as we grew older, but we did feel that having somebody hanging on you at all times just might not result in itching.

I was one of those kids, dreaming of my name and just what my political stance would be once I ascended into my own personal Fortress of Solitude. I even tried to reach out to the kid down the block on just how my suit should be designed, but he was always too busy watching reruns of Jem for inspiration. I was positive that at any moment my superpowers would reveal themselves and it was Goodbye, cul-de-sac, Hello World of Justice. But as most childhood flights of fancy often do (Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, the actual end of the government deficit), I soon came to a horrible albeit logical realization. Comic book superheroes do not exist. There was no training program or magic school in upstate New York that I could attend to harness the untold power coursing through my veins. There was no magical pod in my basement that I had arrived to Earth in. (I looked…no pod, but an inordinate amount of Christmas decorations). I was doomed to spend my life as nothing more than a normal child.

Yet, here I am, older, wiser, but still not quite mature enough to let go of my past. In the eighteen or so years since my dream crumbled apart like the body of Professor Xavier, no major comic book hero has emerged from the pages I read as a child. Which led me to one conclusion and one new dream: I may not have the power to be a hero, but I can be a SUPERVILLAIN!

Think about it. Last I checked, there hasn’t been rampant cases of worldwide mutation. No spaceships have been reported landing on the White House Lawn. And there hasn’t been a rash of, well, whatever happened to Iron Man to make him iron. We all know villains never win in the comic books, due to some eleventh hour appearance by somebody who is dressed in spandex and usually with some sort of grandiose mask or costume. The villain shakes his hand and growls just before escaping, because unlike the real world, nobody wants to go to trial (Comic book juries have an obscene amount of integrity). But the supervillain, for all his faults was realistic.

They never really had anything happen to them. They just woke up one morning and realized, Hey, I can take my intelligence and my dashing good lucks and my obscene amount of money and utilize them in evil ways. I may be working on the money, got the intelligence and hey, good lucks are relative. Yet, two major things are going in my favor: The comics have been providing me with a primer for years and, to repeat my youthful intonation, SUPERHEROES DON’T EXIST!

How perfect is that. Two truths that make this career totally doable. For years, we have watched the supervillain fail in his attempt. Be it gluttony, be it avarice, be it an uncontrollable reaction to dairy (Lex Luthor – lactose intolerant, little known fact.) Something always brought them down. And this downfall was usually precipitated by a superbeing. Money, power and uncontrollable dementia always wins. That’s the rules of the world. Unless you have a superbeing who can turn all of that against you. I have learned over the years how to curtail the mistakes they make. I can curtail my greed. I will kill my enemies when I have the chance. I can even make sure my henchmen are well trained and not easily persuaded by lame men in funny disguises trying to bring me down. And how will I do that? By correcting the biggest wrong comics have ever taught me. Take care of your henchmen.

Henchmen are, like every part of a supervillain empire, a cog in the machine whose final product is my worldwide conquest. Yet most supervillains, from years of research, do not create an adequate training system. I, on the other hand, would from the get-go, make them secure. I would have a kick ass dental plan (No gap teeth in my regime, thank you). Health care for everyone. But, and this is by rational, the most important, an amazing training program. I would teach the fundamentals of being able to aim a firearm, with special focus on people who have the ability to move with quick reflexes. I would also focus on notification rituals. I can accept that the powers that be trying to bring me down would be smarter than Earl, who’s working in my Fortress of Evil. But Earl should, and in my regime will, be able to notify me if any sort of threat to my dominative powers arises. And I have no problem with false alarms. All it does is temporarily distract me from the Swedish modeling team I’m currently “schmoozing.” And if comic books have taught me anything, it’s that there’s always time for schmoozing. But prison time? Yeah, not so much.

I would also make it my goal to stop all forms of possibly dangerous research and all sorts of space exploration. I find it not in my best interest to have a scientist, full of ambition and get-go, to be tooling around some major exploration and BAM, be hit with some sort of gamma rays. Those who are hurt by the hand that feeds them always hold a grudge. And if that grudge comes complete with heat rays or flying powers, than my plan will be for naught. Villains in comic never caught that simple fact. You have to create the hero. The villains, well, they’ve been there all along.

I’m not saying I’m going to do it anytime soon (We have a pretty good monopoly in government right now when it comes to all-powerful people with no moral scruples) but I’m thinking about it. In fact, I’m currently searching Craigslist for low cost hollowed out volcanoes, so I can at least get the ball rolling. If anybody sees anything, let me know.

I’ll at least get you competitive wage and a good dental plan in my New World Regime. Heck, maybe even an office with a view of the lava flows.

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Comments»

1. precios - May 23, 2011

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Helen Campbell - January 1, 2012

I know!

2. neha prakash - August 8, 2012

dude seriously?….if u want to rule the world…have a advice from me…NEVER WRITE AN ESSAY!!!!!…..its sooo…boring dat people can sleep while they r reading this

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