jump to navigation

Like We’re Totally An Axis Of…Of…Something..Screw It, Where’s My Mojito? December 1, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in Music, Pop Culture Rants.
trackback

When great minds come together, magic happens. Peanut Butter and Chocolate came together in, if you believe the re-enactment, under strenuous circumstances and boom, thighs across America shuddered. When Milli met Vanilli, we all finally were able to point our fingers at precipitation and save countless shaky relationships. When Hewlett met Packard, they, um, did something really cool and I think there was some typewriters or stocks or something I don’t follow, but man, was it great. And lest we forget what happened when Damon met Affleck. We got Good Will Hunting (well, not entirely them, since the script was rumored to be written by Kevin Smith, Art Buchwald, Lawrence Kasdan, the brothers Weinstein, several chimps with typewriters and Earl in Janitorial services who had a great joke about apples.)

But for every great meeting of the minds, there is the reverse. Think South Korea and Iran talking about how they can sacrifice food and general well being for a few rods of radioactive material. Think the failed experiment that was Debbie Mate..Mata…Matty…Greek Name on The View. But those all pale in comparison into the new Axis of Density which has now formed. Look at this picture and let the shuddering begin.

That’s right. We done got ourselves Trouble. Trouble. Right here in Pop Culture. Trouble with a Capital T and that rhymes with C and that stands for crotch shots. (I’m not going to go further into details…let’s just leave it at the fact that seeing all the recent crotch shots is kind of that guy you didn’t like stealing your whole pack of Hubba Bubba, chewing it, wrapping it back up and showing it to you…you’ll never have it and it’s just disturbing to look at.)

No, the trouble is this. Think about what these girls have in common. Think about the things they have tried to put us through.

Nope, it isn’t drinking contest. I know a few co-eds at USC that would crush them like walnuts.

And it isn’t movies. They already did Charlie’s Angels and I think the rights to The Bobbsey Twins movies require the actress not to be total whores.

Shuddering yet? Cause that’s right. The only real thing of substance they could talk about (besides having to choose a skimpy outfit in the morning while nursing a dull coke and Cristal hangover) is music.

They’ve all tried it, with varying degrees of success. And each took different roads to get there. Britney started her path to Sloshy Starletville by succeeding at it. Her albums were everywhere and actually sounded good. Don’t believe me. Simply listen to the lyrics of Hit Me Baby One More Time and don’t think that song is haunting and evil, wrapped in Pixie Stick Sex. Lindsay tried to branch out into triple threat category and while she can sing, she sort of sounds like that girl in High School who you hated because she could do everything you couldn’t. But it ain’t mind blowing vocals and you know she’ll never succeed. And Paris’ album sounded so overproduced that it sounded like she was singing outside the studio, through a screen door and into a microphone that was plugged into one of those bright, big buttoned recorders you dragged around at age 4. Some success, but mostly failure. Not in a financial sense, but for the mercy of all our ears.

And now they’re together. And each wants to conquer the pop world. Britney, to prove she can comeback from two marriages, two pregnancies, a drug scandal, several failed albums and the idea that every child in her son’s kindergarten class will have the same name as her. Paris, to prove to the world that you can still have no talent and still make money with everything you touch. And Lindsay wants to succeed just to piss you off. That and so she can break away. Cause tramps like her…yada yada yada..she just wants to not get old and fat like her mom.

Think about what that album could mean. An album that full of ego has not been attempted since The Beatles last sat in a room. And what’s worse here would be the attempt to out sing one another that would soon degredate into something akin to cats screeching at one another. And one could only imagine the press tour and how close to an all out cat fight that may become. On second thought..wait, no, we have to think about the kids.

And the album would succeed. Everything Britney releases is purchased by 18 to 25 year old girls. Paris has a hand on the 18-25 year old gay males. And Lindsay has been working the creepy old pedophile market for quite some time. And the success would predicate another album. And the success of that album would prompt other friends to try things together just to release their inner beings. Next thing you know, you’re listening to a Very 70’s Show Christmas and watching Punk’d:The Musical. And that’s a few steps from the Apocalypse, I’m sure of it.

So they must be stopped. No matter how much good for the food crisis in Africa they are doing (Combined their caloric intakes is only slightly less than what Richard Simmons puts grotesquely obese people on), they must be separated. Any suggestions?

I just might ask the president. Rumor has it he’s good with breaking up Axes that threaten our very well being. No can we aim a Scud at Prey next Friday? If so, the girls best pack their underwear that night.

Time’s a wasting. And we best act soon, because I don’t even want to think of the alternatives.

Advertisements

Comments»

1. fundeebee - December 2, 2006

What is more disturbing to me personally is that those bitches have all co-opted my hair color. Get your skanky, herpes-ridden selves out of my brunette category bitches, because it does not make you look any smarter.

2. doctorolove - December 16, 2006

Ah yes, they mave have attempted artificial intelligence, but you have to give them props for even thinking up that in depth of a plan.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: