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The K-Federalist Papers November 8, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in Pop Culture Rants.
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America spoke their dissatisfaction yesterday. We united as a single voice against corruption, laziness, unaccountability and a lack of talent among our leaders. Yesterday will be a bench mark in history that will never be denied. Yesterday, the fortunes of our country changed. Yesterday, we, as a nation, divorced Kevin Federline.

The signs had been coming for quite sometime. Exit polls showed we were unhappy with his skills involving the youth of America (or at the very least, the youths he himself fathered which are estimated to be roughly the population of Fargo, North Dakota). We all realized the empty promises he was feeding us (“Y’all are going to love my album” immediately comes to mind) and his dance moves, while fluid and surprisingly well choreographed, still left us unfulfilled.

We may not have actually signed the papers ourselves, but the nation still divorced him en masse yesterday. A mere hour after the news broke, his comp suite at the Palms was unceremoniously given to one of those kids from That 70’s Show whose name nobody remembers. His clothing line was immediately pulled from the five Target stores in central Wyoming currently using it to launch their “Urban” department. And while his CD is still selling briskly on most K-Mart outlets, it is primarily being sold for other uses (Skeet shooting targets, women’s earrings,  makeup mirrors).

But the nation hasn’t only spoke with their wallets. The people at US Weekly may be the biggest loser in the big “Midterm divorce.” Since K-Fed was elected to his cushy job as “Semen Machine in Wifebeaters,” an estimated 70 percent of their content has been devoted solely to him and his escapades. Losing that much coverage could not only affect the magazine’s sales but will create a vacuum effect that may result in us all becoming more familiar with Ashlee Simpson’s eating disorder and mysterious bumps in celebrity stomachs that are either pregnancy or gas from lunch at Del Taco.

Even though we have spoken, the policies that defined K-Fed may not be easy to overcome. He still legally has the right to drive Britney Spears’ children in large tractors and science proves that they still have the “dirty” gene, which is responsible for his ability to make a Von Dutch hat look creepy. His album deal is still in place and he is still eligible for Grammy nominations.

We still have a lot of work to do. The easy part was motivating everybody to due their patriotic duty and remove him from his seat of power and influence (Made even more amazing since we had that voting thing yesterday and it was a new episode of  According to Jim). It has been done and we must all stay the course. We need to make sure that we do not allow our celebrity man whores to again influence any aspect of culture. And we need to continue in our support for Britney. Because, divorce is hard y’all.

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Comments»

1. Ratboy - November 10, 2006

I am weeping into my 40 of ‘Beast’.. Why?! Why couldn’t he have just kept it together like Ashton Kutcher? That bastard is still sticking with his desicated old hag… My world is crumbling! Hell- Next you’re going to tell me that Lance Bass isn’t a machismo lady’s man…What…? He’s… a poof…?! Christ, some one get me a keg of Papst to kill the pain!

2. doctorolove - November 10, 2006

Worry not, my young swill drinking friend…K-Fed is already back up on the mend…We can thank the good people at VH1…And as far Lance Bass, we have to wait for LOOGO to launch their reality series…As for the Pabst, 8.99 a truckful at the Beer Barn…next to the Funyuns


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