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The Case of and For the Return of Sexy September 9, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in Pop Culture Rants.

Allow me to thank you, Mr. Timberlake, for bringing the Sexy back.

It’s been a dark time in our fair society since Sexy up and left us. There have been many theories as just when it decided to go away. Sexy scientists often point to late 1991 when Right Said Fred released their song “I’m Too Sexy.” Studies have shown that by admitting their collective sexiness and comparing their sexiness to a simple housecat , they upset Sexy in general, causing it to retreat to a large Fortress of Sexitude, high in the Alps. (He had been scared once before when Rod Stewart had a rampant bout of asking people directly wheteher or not they knew Sexy, dated Sexy or even thought about him from time to time) It tried to mount a comeback in 1993 when TLC tried talking it out of its’ self imposed exile. And it made several more appearances before retreating for good in 1998 when it was paired with Candy in a Marcy Playground song. I have no problem with being paired with any sort of sweet concoction, but Sexy was perturbed, knowing it should gain the spotlight alone. SO it returned to the fortress, hiding out and biding its’ time until it could make a return.

And the sexy-less times have been dark. In those eight years since Sexy left us, we have experienced hardships here-to-fore unheard of in human history. We were subject to countless wars and aggressive tactics by rogue nations, so upset by their lack of sexiness that they reacted in the only ways they could. I mean, can you really focus on unchecked religious hatred when you see nothing but Sexy around you? Without Sexy, many aggravated man focus their attention on other rockets than the ones Sexy makes them take notice of.

We as a nation have dealt with countless storms, brought on by global warming and a radically changed jet stream. And while many scientists believe our own consumption of natural resources and rampant pollution has caused Mother Earth’s shift, I believe it was the disappearance of Sexy. With Sexy away, men had to face their lack of desire and attractiveness in many ways. We suffered through clothing styles and hair products all guaranteed to make us irresistible. However, it was the brilliant people at Axe deodorant who decided to advertise their product as a replacement for Sexy. Whoever you are and whatever your status on the “GoodLook-o-meter,” a few sprays of their product and women would be attacking you like you were a member of Ratt in the mid-80’s. Our lack of Sexy drew us to the product like moths to a flame and suddenly every one was releasing the CFC laden deodorant on themselves. They lathered it one to make up for the lack of sexiness. And if Al Gore taught me anything, it’s that CFC’s are bad. So without Sexy to make us feel good, the people at Axe didn’t realize that they were heating up the glaciers and not our sheets.

And I don’t need to even mention our planet’s rampant and recent over consumption of oil. Because who need oil or any sort of lubrication when Sexy’s in town? Enough said.

Don’t worry about what Sexy’s been up to. He’s doing all right, been getting good grades; his future’s so bright…yada, yada, yada,….something about shades. Sexy has been working on bringing “Nerd Sexiness” back to the forefront. Back in Sexy’s early days, around the Middle Ages, intelligent clerics and playwrights were fending off the wenches with sticks (or at least, long blunt metal instruments). Following the advent of photography or in most cases, better lighting, people soon realized that God plays some cruel cosmic joke on the intelligent and nerdy, gracing them with the sexiness of  a rancid plate of gruel. Thus began the inevitable decline of the nerd as sex object. But Sexy has been experimenting – he’s made over Tina Fey, he conned the OC writers to make comic book nerd Seth get the hottest girl on the show (Mischa…I’m sorry, but you’re bringing up the rear) and he even got the Lolita that is Kirsten Dunst to make out with Spiderman. That kiss coincidentally has raised sales of swings and harnesses among the “geek” set, for obvious reasons.  Sexy has also worked hard in the fields of music and entertainment. He told Xtina to drop the “drrty” and convinced the world that Jack Black is not a bankable movie star (Not that that had to do with being sexy per se, but that’s just common sense.)

So now, we have Mr. Timberlake, bringing him back. Now, people, this man cannot do this alone. While he may be the quintessential poster boy of hotness (dance moves, decent singing voice, perfectly coiffed wanna-be Jewfro), his personality is too weak to bring Sexy back. He has laid the gauntlet down and we as a people must do our best to bring him back for good. That means no more horrific love songs with any of the following: 1)The words “booty,” “Knockin’,” or “Pimp Juice” 2) Any sort of mid song breakdown 3)Samples from Marvin Gaye. Sexy asks that you do not wear spandex if your body is not, um, designed for it. Nothing can break Sexy down faster than looking like a sack of potatoes wrapped in Ziploc Cling Wrap. And please, do not use the phrase “Oh No, he dinnit” ever again. Because Sexy is all about mood.

If we work together to not scare him away, Sexy will stay with us for another long period. Just look at the good things the world has undergone since Justin called him back earlier this summer. A ceasefire in Lebanon. A relatively hurricane-free season. A drop in gas prices. Jeremy Piven winning an Emmy. These are good things and not purely coincidence. They are the focused good vibes that can only occur when Sexy is back in the fray. So please try to keep him around. Otherwise there’s no hope for any of us and maybe, just , maybe he’ll bring back a desire for slightly overweight trivia nerds with chronic BO (Hey, I can dream, can’t I?)

Now if only we can work on bringing back LaserDisc. Cause though I may not be down with Sexy, I do have plenty of copies of Back to The Future II that I can change the world with. Just sayin…



1. Ratboy - September 13, 2006

Lack of ‘Sexy’ made me eat my parents…

2. doctorolove - September 17, 2006

I don’t know if that was lack of “sexy” or lack of taking “your pills”

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