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Marijuana: Adding Extra Belt Holes Since 1820 September 3, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in Pop Culture Rants.

The commercials may tell you it’ll make you shoot your friend. It’ll tell you that you will drown children in a pool. It even insinuates that YOU brought the WTC down with your dimebag purchase behind the Circle K last weekend. Had you used your hard earned ten dollars for a day old hot dog and a 64 ounce Mountain Dew, maybe those people would be alive. That’s right. Marijuana is evil. Not Snidely Whiplash moustache-twirling mwah ha ha evil, but full on world domination and subjugation of the world order evil.

But realistically, there is no chance Doug, the guy who “gets yo’ stuff” for you is working for Al Qaeda. He’s using the cash you give him to buy Panic! At the Disco CD’s and not weapons grade plutonium. And marijuana doesn’t cloud your judgement as much as they’d hope you’d believe. Alcohol alone has resulted in more people confessing ill-fated love and caused more people to wake up half naked, in Sheboygan, Wisconisn, wearing one shoe, an “I’m With Stupid” T-shirt, clutching onto some sort of farm animal. And marijuana may make you shirk responsibility, but these aren’t as dire as killing the child put into your care. The worst thing that may happen is you miss the shift at Target you picked up because Susie, the hot cashier, needed to go to the Kelly Clarkson concert. And the killing of your friend is probably a sign that you shouldn’t be hanging out with the friend whose father has decided his right to bear arms is more important that his right to sequester potentially lethal apparati.

The people who brought us these ads, the Office of Drug Policy and Freaking Parents Out, have toned themselves down a little bit. No more are kids that smoke pot rampaging through town on crime sprees that would make Bonnie and Clyde blush. Now they’re sticking their fists in their mouth or sitting on couches for hours at a time, discussing their full slate of doing nothing. They have switched their 1950’s Reefer Madness approach opf death and destruction to playing on the American kid’s psyche. Do something with your life, they say, or else you may wind up permanently on that couch. But will this approach backfire? I mean, these are the people who trained a generation of kids to fear fried eggs, thinking they were laced with drugs. And their slogan of Just Say No has been adopted by every coalition under the sun. I mean, how much clout can those words have when they’re being used at protest rallies for Greenpeace? Greenpeace, which has lost their clout so much on the national stage that they have resorted to having college students recruit on the streets of New York City, an approach that works so well for the countless electronics stores and optical places that have decided I need to hav e their flyer.

Now, I smoke pot. And today I got stuff done. I even manged to balance my checkbook without a slide rule and several unproven math theorems. I am not the demographic they’re shooting for however. I’ve seen the other side of the fence and know that the biggest danger of marijuana is not rampant self-destruction but in over analyzing what Drake’s Cake best defines me as a person. So, I’m here today as a man behind the lines. I’m here to suggest just how you can keep the next generation of kids off pot. And you don’t need flashy commercials or famous athletes telling how they made a choice and are happier for it. You need to tell them just what pot can do if not used correctly. That’s right. It makes you fat.

Look at the sudden teen obsession with getting thin. Nicole Richie has to push the flies from her face during photo shoots. The Olsen Twins are going this Halloween as the number 11. And Hilary Duff’s weight loss has caused her face to just out in the most unfalttering Carly Simon horse effect. But these girls are the benchmarks for a new generation. People who are looked up to as role models because of their impeccable fashion sense, loads of money and talent so miniscule that a team of sherpas and the student loan people that manage dto track me down couldn’t find it. Thin is in. And marijuana isn’t going to make you thin.

Think about it. I know for a fact that I would have never discovered so many culinary joys without marijuana to lead my enhanced metabolism. Sure, before I tried it I was aware of the existence of Doritos, burgers, and Reddi Whip Chocolate whipped cream. But I was not aware of their combined powers until I started getting high. Marijuana is like some strange pixie dust that when sprinkled over food can turn it into the Wonder Twins: Seperated, still okay, but when those fists are touched and those powers are activated, it’s like “Form of…delicious.” I have managed to mix food together that world class chefs even shy away from. Chicken sandwiches are amazing, but could they be better slathered in U-Bet Caramel syrup. Oh, yes. And last I checked chicken sandwiches and sugar syrup is not one of the accepted food groups for starlets wanting to get thin.

I’ve mixed M&M’s with popcorn. I’ve added Baco’s to my bowl of Frosted Flakes. I’ve even applauded Ben and Jerry for giving us Chubby Hubby, meaning that they too agree with the food mashup theory. Now, if I only ate these heart attacks waiting to happen while high, then the “pot makes you fat” angle would be useless. But having tasted this once forbidden fruit, I decided to bring them into my daily life. Because why should I limit the joys of a pineapple Tostito sandwich with Tabasco to late night munchie attacks? So my body has been ravaged by the knowledge that one food alone is good but two foods or more together is a recipe for the happy dance.

The War on Drugs that has been waged for years goes back and forth. Neither side will ever truly win, much like a game of Risk.( I have personal knowledge of games of Risk that were started in 1986 that are still being played.) But if you prey on the real dangers of pot then they may just have a breakthrough. Otherwise, you’re dooming this nations to an entire generation of somewhat overweight geeks with self-esteem issues. And there’s enough of us already.

So try my idea, drug people. What could it hurt?

Other than people who own stock in Beef Jerky companies. Because, in recorded history, only five sober people ever ate a purchased bag of jerky. And, yes, three of them had first tried it while high.



1. fundeebee - September 4, 2006

“Form of…delicious.” is the funniest thing I have read in a long while. My favorite pot induced combo…Bugles and chocolate ice cream. So good.
Pot is for those of us who don’t mind being a little soft and squishy. Those that want to be skinny and do drugs seem to go for blow.

2. Ratboy - September 5, 2006

Hell, boy- I’ve done ’em all- From smack to crack, Speed to weed and still I am svelt as a dime… Granted I puke blood at least thrice daily…
But I digress- I remember a time, O Doctor friend of mine, when you were prescribing multiple hits from a 7 foot ‘Super Bong’ and then caddying us all to the local ‘Steak ‘n’ Shake’ for well, steak and shakes… Besides- I thought that you had forsaken the ‘Mean Green’… rumor had it that it effected your ‘Madden’ playing…Ah well- Gateway drug be damned, it ain’t pot’s fault that I got the meth lab cooking in my bathroom… is it?

Yours truly,

Baked in Alaska

3. IB - November 6, 2006

Very. Damn. Funny.

Also probably very damn effective, sadly.

4. caroline hash - October 3, 2007

shit, i am an american youth, i smoke pot, i munch out, hell it’s gross thinkin about it, but i put jelly on a tuna samich and it was delicious at the time. And all of my friends smoke, yet, none of us are fat at all, not even really squishy. we do no more than the average human excersices, walking around to find homies with more weed. goin to school, and have no less than a c average. if your smart enough to smoke the herbage helathily and sanely i see absolutely no problem with it. party on, and smoke til’ ya choke

5. Vishnu - December 5, 2007

Very Funny!
but if you’re a stoner you can still have self-control. “Just Say No-to munchies”
because if you learn to fight the munchies off you’ll stop getting them(my personal expirience).

6. keep weed fresh - May 12, 2013

Hmm it appears like your blog ate my first comment (it
was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I had written and say, I’m
thoroughly enjoying your blog. I as well am an aspiring
blog blogger but I’m still new to everything. Do you have any suggestions for inexperienced blog writers? I’d certainly appreciate it.

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