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Pluto, baby, Call My People! We’ll Do Lunch! August 26, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in Pop Culture Rants.

Let’s just say it hasn’t been a good week for tiny, little, heavenly bodies that always aspired to be bigger than they were.

I’ll say that things will work out for Tom Cruise (Oh that’s right…I  went there). The man has money, a new child, a beautiful paramour and a religion that firmly believes that all life is descended from evil aliens who came to Earth in DC-8s. I mean, that resume alone should get him hired immediately. And if not, there is always a chance he and Katie can start their own studio to combat Paramount and finally release M:I4: This Time, It’s Biblical. Or there’s always Top Gun II. Anthony Edwards isn’t that busy to reprise Goose. He does have a history of reprising roles that died horrifically (Dr. Greene flashbacks, anyone?)

But really, I think we all need to address Pluto. If you’ve been too busy keeping up with the Tommy Flanagan, I’m sorry, Mark Karr story this week to know, Pluto has been downgraded from planet status. Anybody who currently has a pulse or an elementary school education has never known our tiny little blue friend to be anything else than the P in “My Vain Eager Mother Just Served Us Nine Potatoes.” Yet now, after hours of research and mathematical formulas that I couldn’t comprehend if lent Stephen Hawking’s brain for a few days, the planet is now considered a dwarf planet. I’m sorry, a little person planet. (Hey, now is not the time to offend Pluto…he’s suffered enough.). This means our universe is now only eight planets, meaning Earth has moved up on the depth chart. It may mean we’re facing Mars in the BCS championship, but I’m still working on that.

Pluto has yet to release a statement. Tom Terrific was quick to strike back, claiming he had money to fund his films, but from Pluto, we have heard nothing. Do not give me any jive about the planet being billions of miles away. The Internet is amazing and if I can download porn from Malaysia, Pluto’s people can circulate a rebuttal just to keep us happy. And they do have some PR work to get started on. You don’t lose a position like “Celestial Body” and not have a mess to Swiffer up afterwards. But, I’m thinking that Pluto’s people are not what they’re cracked up to be and that our little, blue friend needs some guidance. I am volunteering for the job. I want to save Pluto from this PR nightmare and put him back on track. So, please, sir, step into my office and let me tell you how it’s gonna be.

Can I get you anything? Coffee, Sanka, Welch’s Grape Soda? No. Okay, then let’s begin. First of all, let me say, I’m a big fan. You were always my favorite planet. In my 8th grade diorama, I made you out of my favorite blue marble with the picture of Tom Selleck in it. I can only imagine how much money you got from Disney when you let your name be that of a cartoon dog. Come on, Ron Jeremy alone got several million when they named the Toy Story cowboy Woody, so you must have made out like a bandit. And we’re going to need every bit of that right now, or at least what you have left after your divorce from Cher (Didn’t think I knew about that, did ya? That’s what you get with me…quality.)

To begin, you need to take a vacation. Get away from all this press. Take off to another galaxy for a few months. Check out the one that looks like a horse’s head or the one that’s shaped like Mischa Barton. I hear they both changed chefs and gravitational requirements. During all this  rigmarole the last thing you need is to be in the spotlight. Leave us all wondering how you’re taking things. Besides, you absence will give me a chance to spin the “crazed and depressed” card. You may even get a cool CNN graphic with something like “Pluto Watch” when they haven’t heard from you in a few weeks.

Now when you get back is when the real work begins. We need to revamp your image. This may hurt, but you will probably never be a planet again. They may replace you with that tiny little moon that rotates around Jupiter. You can’t hate on him, though. Remember when you were found 76 years ago. Think of the joy that filled you with. This little mass of rock is feeling that right now. I mean, it’s the best feeling he’s had since his upper crust cooled and the magma cleared. And if my work is going to show anything, we don’t need a bitter celestial mass. Star Jones will never work again, mark my words, because of how she’s acted. You need to maintain your cool, and with a surface temperature of –212 degrees, that shouldn’t be too hard.

Now what am I going to do to get you back into the public eye. This is a several part plan. First of all, we need you to drop a few pounds. Your mass is low, but look what shedding some excess crust did for Kirstie Alley. I know some of the best trainers around and they will work for me wholesale. I’m thinking abnormal elliptics and a strict ozone free diet. So let’s say we get you down a few metric tons, where do we go from there? We have so many options. The obvious is to cast you in a Tarantino film, since he’s famous for bringing careers back from the dead, but I just don’t see you as an agoraphobic hitman obsessed with Wild’n’Crazy Kids (the only role he has open.) Maybe we start you out a reality show. If you just show that cool personality in that new tiny little frame, it’ll do wonders. Do you know how much Verne Troyer is making from his Surreal Life spot? It’s a number with a lot of zeroes, okay? Maybe we even play up your harmonic skills. The Hubble tells me you have an amazing celestial rhythm. If we can get Quincy Jones to harness that, we may be able to book you a big comeback concert on the Soul Train Awards, at the very least. Maybe you even return to your routes and do a little community theatre. A rep company in Nebraska is looking for a Falstaff, and with a mass like yours, you’re a shoo-in. How’s your British accent?

Look, I can do things for you, but you will have to work with me. The stars are the limit. I’ve done wonders for Jupiter, believe you me. I spun that whole red spot into a Gorbachevian birth mark and now he’s the biggest thing in the Milky Way. If you give me the chance, we’ll get you back into the spotlight. Until then, maybe give Tom Cruise a call and commiserate. Just don’t submit to a stress test. I’m good, but even I can’t spin scientology.



1. heather - August 27, 2006

stopped by via blogmad.

2. doctorolove - August 27, 2006

Thanks for stopping by…hope you enjoy what you see

3. Ashlee - November 5, 2007

aww, poor pluto, never had a chance. you’re very funny by the way, extremely witty 😀

4. Jas Baku - November 10, 2013

Tell Pluto not to worry. ‘Dwarf Planet’? It’s just a name.

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