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Still Ain’t Melted: A Letter from the Tan M&M August 17, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in Pop Culture Rants, Uncategorized.
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Never thought you’d see me again, right?

In case you’re wondering, I’m doing fine. I’m living off my pension in L.A. with Burnt Umber, the chocolate Twizzler and Boo Berry in a Discontinued Stuff that People really Liked Home just north of the Hills. We all bicker and fight like most roommates do. Burnt Umber is a real stickler when it comes to chores. Twizzler, well I’m not one to gossip, but two words :COKE HEAD! And Boo Berry still makes promotional appearances now and then, mostly in the South. He keeps talking about using his fees to make some indie project with Count Chocula. We always laugh because we know that the Count hasn’t returned his phone calls in years. At least not since Boo tried to knock off Franken Berry in what has been dubbed, by us, as the “Spilt Milk” incident. (Ha, gotcha…thought I was gonna go with Cereal Killer…too easy…Mars Candy didn’t hire me for my good looks…)

I make my own appearances now and then. Red, Orange and I usually do a group thing around Thanksgiving. It doesn’t pay me much, since they’re still “in with the pack,” if you catch my drift. Their agents negotiated a better deal. I was never one to bitch. Did you see Bell, Biv or Devoe complain when they went out on tour with the New New Edition? Bobby Brown got most of the gate then. You go with your bankable star. Me, I’m just a has-been candy trying to scrounge together something for my legacy.

Ah, my legacy. You’ve all heard the stories and seen the tabloids by now. In 1995, I was forced out of the pack by Blue. This nation was sweet when it came rushing to my aid, but, as we all know, twas to no avail. It’s taken me years of therapy to say this, but I can say I don’t hate Brown and Blue anymore. The public wanted brighter, more vibrant candies not melting in their hand. It was rumored they were going to kick out Brown instead of me. But few people really hear about the weekend in Vegas that Brown and Blue spent together to ‘celebrate” his winning the 1995 color election. I wasn’t there since my agent and I were holed up in a downtown law office trying to re-do my contract in case another color came calling. I was told by several reliable sources who were there (Trix rabbit, the Life Cereal kid and the Three Musketeer that isn’t a little “light in the loafers”) that Brown and Blue spent the entire time, hopped up on Cocoa Butter, bonding over their perceived negative public image. Brown had always had to live down his stigma as the “poo” candy, not to mention his striking likeness to rat pellets. Blue was already being portrayed as the “ungrateful new kid,” showing Brown the door.

Whatever the case, Brown was able to make the kid sign papers that explicitly state that if he goes, Blue goes with him. The bigwigs at Mars knew that Orange and Yellow weren’t ready to hold a bag up on their own. Green was a threat to leave at anytime and go into the lucrative underground aphrodisiac industry. Red would always be Red, but they needed the balance of color they so relied upon. Red always was the diva of the group and without Brown and Blue, he’d take over the whole bag. What do you have then? Red Hots, and nobody wants that. So Brown was able to convince them to keep him on instead of me. (That bastard was already jealous of me ever since he became the “out” in a game of M&M baseball. Granted, I was a foul tip, but hey, at least that means you put good wood on the ball, right?) I got the news just after six on a Tuesday morning. They promised me I’d make cameos now and then, but I knew that I was now about as useful to them as the White jellybean.

So I bummed around Europe for a few years. I tried getting into the New Wave candy movement over there, but made some bad decisions regarding representation and my fame was almost wiped out by some incriminating photos of me and the Swiss Miss. I hit the cocoa beans pretty hard. Made a few bad business decisions. And I dated Shannon Doherty. All in all, the late nineties were not good to your old pal Tan.

So why now? Why am I here today, coming out of the woodwork? Because officially, my ten year statute of limitations is up. And I’m just putting my face back out there. Like any ex-star, I’m writing my tell-all back. I’ve even finagled George Hamilton into doing the introduction (Cause nothing says Tan like that guy!) Sure, I’ll have all the juicy gossip as well as reminisce about the early days. Red was great before the whole “cancer” scare. Green was the unofficial leader back then. And Yellow had always been there for me since the beginning. Did you know I’m the godfather to his child? Yup, every year, no matter how broke, I always send a birthday card and a check to lil old Watermelon Skittle. I don’t think I’ve seen her in years, but Yellow and I talk every Wednesday about who we liked on American idol that week (This Tan guy had a serious case of McPheever!)

I’ll be bitching about the group vote not to take that supporting role in ET and losing out to Reese’s (Brown’s exact words were something like “We hold out for a bigger role in a more candycentric film”). And I know first hand just who gets the bigger chunk of those TV and Movie residuals from all those commercials Red and Yellow have been doing (And might I just say, Yellow’s still driving a Saab. He says it’s because he likes the safety. Yeah, right.)

Oh, gosh. I’m letting the dark side in me brew up again. I didn’t want to end up like Special Dark when he tried to break free from the miniatures back in 83. Sure, he still works with them, but his book “I’m Not Bitter. You Don’t Have to Give Me To The Dog” made things really rough for his outside solo career. You still have to search for his bars and even then, they’re all melted and goopy. Think that’s an accident?

Look, I’ve had it rough, but the house has helped me a lot. We’re really glad to see KaBoom is getting his props again and its’ inspired all of us. Wait for my book to clear the air. Until then, I’ll be practicing my Kabbalah (it really centers me and has helped me work off a lot of the anger) and waiting for that call from Tarantino. Because that man knows how to resurrect a career.

Hugs and Kisses,

Tan

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