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Hey Mel! August 3, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in Pop Culture Rants.

Hey, Mel, it’s me, Jesus. We did a little thing together a few years back. You may remember it. Made you a whole lot of money, which, by the way, I’ve been waiting for my cut. Don’t mean to kick you when you’re down, but we’re building an extension up here and you just can’t hire good contractors for cheap nowadays, especially with that whole Armageddon thing my dad’s cooking up in the Middle East. But, this isn’t that call. I’m just checking in with you.

Okay, let’s not beat around the bush anymore. How many times do I have to tell my brethren? It’s not that hard to call a cab. Seriously, I have blood that tastes like wine and I can still ring up St. Peter to pick me up after a few too many with the apostles. Oh, Paul says hi by the way. Says he’s glad you cut the beard. Makes you look less like Orson Welles, unless that’s what you’re going for. Crazy, megalomaniacal director sort of thing. But, seriously, cabs. They’re like twenty bucks. If you want, I can cut some of my back end for Passion and you can buy your own fleet of them. Call Reverend Mike, down in Pomona. He’s a good kid and his younger brother has several for sale. One thing though, don’t let in on the fact that the brother is on the “Naughty” list up here, if you know what I mean. Seems the advisory board doesn’t look too fondly on adultery when they review your resume. If he’s cool with you though, I suggest you bring up the whole “Last Rites” thing before we get rid of that. Pop’s pushing for a 2026 repeal, but he’s also still trying to get my face onto a few Cheezits in Sheboygan, so he may be a little behind.

And you went speeding down the PCH? Even Robert Downey Jr. knows that highway is like a bad press magnet. How many backroads are there in Malibu? If you can’t get the whole cab thing, at least work on your navigation. My people wandered through the desert for forty years without a map and we did okay. Call me if you need directions. I’ve been to Malibu a few times over the years. The wings at Butterfields are like, well, like up here.

Yeah, so, look, this is the awkward part. I don’t know if you knew this, but, um, yeah, I’m Jewish. I don’t make a big thing out of it, what with being the poster boy for Christianity, but I’m pretty big on my faith. Now, since what you said was under the influence of alcohol. I’m willing to let that slide. I mean, did you see the black eye Peter gave me when I told him I didn’t think his letter to the Corinthians had enough fire and brimstone in it? He’ so sensitive when it comes to that sort of thing and I dig that about him, but when the jugs of ceremonial wine are going around, my dad and I can be real idiots. Abraham and Isaac, let’s just say that day Pop was really pounding them back. And the whole celibacy for priests thing…you get the idea.

I understand you were “tipsy,” but I’ve gone pretty open over the years. And since everybody is always asking me what I’d do, I think you made a nice first step. Apologies work wonders. Too bad most of the men in this world don’t get that. My stepdad was famous for quelling fights like holy water on hellfire. He built Ma this huge armoire once, just because he came home late from temple. She used that thing for years. But I’m rambling. I see most of the Jewish organizations have come out publicly to support you. That’s good. But you have to keep on it. ABC may have pulled your holocaust mini-series, but there is enough money in the old Lethal Weapon bank account to fund that yourself. Look how well the whole own money thing did for you and me. Or is it you and I? I’m so not good with grammar. Wasn’t my field. I’ll have to ask Peter about that one.

So, you’re going into rehab. That always gets you on the right path. So many of my flock have strayed over the years that I’ve always thought of buying some  stock in the Betty Ford clinic. But the real test is what you do when you get back out. I know some PR people and let’s just say, they’re pretty good. Look how we came out after the Crusades. That’s all I’m saying. It just stinks that this is happening to you right now. Australians are kicking butt and taking names right now. I mean, Madonna is thinking of moving to Sydney just to ride them coattails. And it gives her another accent to mangle. But if Russell Crowe can play dodgephone with someone’s head and still come out clean, you can bounce back. Just keep in mind, your road may be a little harder.

Look, I’ve got to run. I need to make sure that new Jars of Clay album drops before September. I’ll probably be out of here for my birthday this year. Turning 2006 is not pretty. Let’s just say I have put on some weight in the last millennium. Getting old is something I’ll have to live with. As for us, we’re cool. Just don’t do it again. And remember, cabs.



PS – Can you tell me how the Angels are doing? Our cable’s out up here because of the heat and I just have this thing for Vlad Guerrero. Thanks!



1. Material Boy - August 3, 2006

This is really clever and funny!!!

By the way, you got JC’s e-mail address? I got a bone to pick with him… just joshin’ LOLz!

2. doctorolove - August 3, 2006

Thanks, material! Though I don’t have an e-mail address, I hear he’s a mad IMer…his screen name is thebigjc…Thanks for the comment!

3. Jewboy - August 9, 2006

Oy…Next thing you know Thunder Dome’s gonna be ‘restricted’.

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