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Tiny Microphone, Big Ideas: “The Price is Right” Shows The Way July 29, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in TV.

The contestants are old, like three steps from mummification, still drive a Model-T, farting dust old. And the prizes are covered in the dust of 1970’s asbestos and are still presented on pieces of shag carpeting stolen directly from the Burt Reynolds’ Playgirl photo shoot. The host, with all that’s wrong with our world, is a staunch advocate of animal castration, being so for it that he tells us every day at the end of the show, so we all leave on a high note. The set pieces are obviously loaners from the 7th grade drama department across the street from the studio. Yet, still to this day, on the off chance I’m not either sleeping off a hangover or still creating one for later that afternoon, there is no greater joy in my life than getting lucky because THIS ONE HAS PLINKO ON IT!!

It’s like your grandma’s house: it still smells the same, it still has the plastic furniture and even though your show-off rich cousin bought her a flat screen TV for Christmas, it still looks out of place next to the ornamental hard candy and Hummel figurines. The Price is right doesn’t change, which makes me glad. When you have something that is so steadfast in its’ ways, so constant and so damn fun to look at, you can only think one thing: This can teach me a lot about life. And it can. Watch an episode and you too will see that, after kindergarten, the Bible (but before L. Ron Hubbard), TPIR can teach you everything you need to know about life.

We as a unit number in the billions in this tiny little studio audience we call life. Quite often all we have to go by is our name, which we lovingly wear on our chests, written by 1980’s graffiti artists. We all stand by, hoping for our chance at the big time. We hoot and holler and stand there as a mob, shouting at the people who are living the excitement. Sure, we shout the answers, because truthfully, they don’t freakin’ know them. We gasp when we see them make mistakes and we cheer them when they succeed. But deep down inside, we know we can succeed if given the chance to score the winning touchdown, have a shot at getting that promotion or just be happy in the knowledge that you know Mentos cost less than Extra Strength Pine Scented Mop n Glow.

Yet, life is led by those lucky enough to have their names called. And be it God or be it a fun fat man who sweats in something from Meatloaf’s closet from the late ‘70’s, we sometimes are lucky enough to get the call. We hear our name, we see our chance and we take it. Yet we must make sure to act as surprised and happy as possible. Because even though the rewards may be small and the challenges are great, we must act as asinine as possible. Nothing says happiness when you can re-enact an epileptic fit when given the chance for a hollow victory. Grandstanding and bravura are part of our human nature (Little known fact: Cro-Magnon man was the first to patent the end zone celebration dance, though scientists believe it was a reaction to early man’s problems with lice.) So we must celebrate with aplomb, because they may use us in the previews or silly montages they do when the games end too quickly.

And once we are given our chance to shine, we must say to ourselves, “Win at all costs.” The world is a diverse and macabre place. It’s kill or be killed. Oil, resources, the worldwide supply of Entenmanns tiny chocolate chip cookies, Mandy Moore’s talent: these things aren’t going to last forever, so we must get in while the getting’s good. And don’t be fooled by the weak and elderly. They have no problem taking what is rightfully theirs. They will undercut, outbid, even distract the enemy with cute shirts made by their grandchildren during Arts n Crafts hour at the home. So, you must be cunning. You must know that sometimes going below the radar, even by a single degree, can net you untold riches. Heck, sometimes life requires little work at all, if everybody else has done it for you. So aim low (maybe just a dollar’s worth?) and usurp your dish set and Everybody Loves Raymond DVD in the utmost Stankhovian of manners.

Feel not proud, when your accomplishments are small. The true success stories come not from those who suffice themselves with trinkets from Walmart or kisses from men who wear their skin like its’ fresh from the George Hamilton collection. You should never be happy with what you have if there is more to be received. But again, your road is treacherous and sometimes it can be strewnm with the remnants of the value we call fairness. The person before you may have been awarded with boats, cars, even world wide cruises with the cast of Blossom. And you are playing for something left over when the repo men seized MC Hammer’s worldly possessions. Do not fret: the nation and the proletariat feel your pain. Hold your high and focus on the prize. Strive to gain your gold pasted leather barcalounger and say to the world, “You cannot touch this!”

Focus on the tiny things in life. The simplest factoid and most mundane of activities may lead you to greatness, my son (or daughter, or strange test-tube hybrid). When we rush through our day, we never notice life passing us by. Sure, the thing passing you by may be the bleeping and beeping numbers created by barcodes, but you must focus on them above the gum snapping and barely audible soul crushing sounds of the career cashier. Take hope in the fact that everything you are and own make up who you are. And it can be catalogued and priced. And it’s numbers jumbled around and hidden under the set from Doctor Who. Just know that life gives you the chances, and often it’s a hole in one….OR TWO.

But even after you have spun the proverbial lock on the big ass metal safe or dropped the proverbial plastic disc down a maze of sewing needles, you are still not safe. They will come after you. Those on top are always in line to be taken down. All the great minds of our time were taken down in their prime by the demons and jealousy of others. JFK, MLK, Miss Ida Jane Lansky of Cartsville, Ohio. All were felled by young men who became jealous of their place in society. Some may use guns; others use a wildly inaccurate guess about just how much a piano, wall-to-wall carpeting and a camper cast when tallied up. But be careful, because no matter how much you may have earned or much knowledge about Kraft products you may have, if the usurper knows more than you, they will receive both your laurels as well as their own. Life may be cruel, but if TPIR has taught you anything it is do not fret and again aim low. Because you never can be too sure of a man being distracted by women who look like they are still shopping for their clothes at Fashion Bug circa 1978.

And when the day is done and the victory is yours, call your friends around you. Have them crush you with their sheer joy because nothing will be sweeter than sharing your spoils with tertiary people who are there for the free food. Maybe stand at the precipice of your new found joy and wave to the masses you’ve left behind. It’s your day, it’s your time and the depressing reality of the World news at Noon is coming up next.

And as you cruise this land in your Vespa or in your Geo Metro, know that you are a survivor. You have crawled out from the muck, survived the tests of the ancients and bested all others. Just one thing: Have yourself spayed or neutered, because it truly, honestly doesn’t get any better than this.



1. Mikey - July 31, 2006

Is it just me or is this blog “bringing sexy back?”

2. doctorolove - July 31, 2006

Maybe not bringing back “sexy,” but I am working on Parachute Pants…Can’t touch this, biatch!

3. FedcreemnPedo - September 19, 2011

free movie clips of one night in paris http://movieszone.eu/ walt disney movie released in 1964 1591809

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