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You Have Chosen Wisely: The NBA Draft and Dating July 25, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in Pop Culture Rants, Sports.
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The NBA draft, more so than any other sporting draft, holds the most opportunity for quick success or mind-numbing back-page of the New York Daily News failure. Basketball is, more so than any other team sport, a game where the best player on the floor can more often than not make or break a team’s fortune. Think of any other sport where bringing in one amazing athlete to an otherwise moribund team can result in such quick turnaround. In baseball, a great pitcher isn’t going to change every game if his team still hits like the starting nine for the North Chesapeake School for the blind. In football, a blazing superstar quarterback can’t do jack if his linemen are letting people go past him like the doorman for the late George Harrison. But in basketball, the team can very easily pull a Teen Wolf and keep shucking the ball to their superstar, and if he is a man among boys, then the team will rise and fall with him. It is because of this capacity for amazing turnaround that the NBA draft remains the benchmark for “players gone bad.” A sure thing chosen early who turns out to have only slightly higher ups than, say, me will quite often set your team back a few years while the others around you rise faster than Tom Cruise’s blood pressure around a psychologist.

But people don’t appreciate the fact that the NBA draft’s lessons of success and failure can be applied to your own lives, even if the only dribbling you do is due to severe loss of motor functions around the girl who sits across from you in class and wears a Hello Kitty backpack. No other aspect of life often results in horrid failures or dizzying successes than dating and love. Much like the NBA draft, there are pundits and prognosticators who have tried to lecture all of us on the correct ways of dating. Maybe we’re from different planets. Maybe love is based on perfect harmonious interests. Maybe love, really, is like oxygen. So, for the dating confused male, we at EARWACS provide this handy-dandy primer of terms, based on the NBA draft to show you just how the annual picking of NBA players can help you the next date you’re wading through the dating pool.

lebronA LEBRON (Also called SHAQ, DUNCAN) –

LeBron James, the man-child currently running a clinic in Cleveland, is the consensus number one pick of an evening. Very few teams are really ever lucky enough to have a chance to draft one of these star players. But when you do have that first pick and it’s there, you grab it immediately. You don’t pass go. You don’t even think about it. Before the pick is even announced, they’re already wearing your jersey.

In love, there are a very select group of guys who ever get to negotiate with the LeBrons of the dating world. Usually they are never seen, instead hiding in VIP areas and sipping champagne that costs more than the contents of your entire closet. And the LeBrons know this, so they remain aloof and refuse to negotiate with anybody not deemed worthy of their services. Woman who are consensus number one picks that have not yet been drafted by the man of their choice usually prowl the club, showing off their game in any way possible. But be wary of the LeBron without a team to call their own because you may have…

A WASHBURN (Also called BOWIE, TARPLEY, HARDAWAY)-

This is the cruelest joke the gods of the NBA have ever laid upon man. It’s the player that you think just can’t miss. I mean, in college, they were doing things that made b’ball purists blush with jealousy. Yet they mysteriously drop into your lap. You brush off any thoughts of conspiracy and quickly snatch them up, envisioning years of untold success and championships.

When a Washburn comes up to you in a bar or you to them, you immediately cannot believe your luck. You often scan the room for hidden cameras or pinch yourself to find you’re not dreaming. The conversation is amazing. Her dance skills are like liquid sex. And she looks smoking. She doesn’t even morph into a Broome Hilda clone when the bar lights flip up to full blast. She quite possibly could be perfect and you count your blessings.

Then comes the joke. She either has some sort of issue or problem that makes her one step away from Bellevue. Maybe its’ an abandonment issue that she projects on every man she meets. Maybe it’s a rampant stimulant drug problem that may just explain why she was krumping to a slow jam. And sometimes, but only in extremely evil circumstances, she is a man (I don’t like to talk about that weekend.) So, your joy and the cherub speckled visions you had for the future of the two of you is replaced by the blood curdling screams of doubt and fear. And though you took the girl who you were positive was going to change your life forever, you may have just passed up….

A STOCKTON (Also called a PIPPEN)

This is often a crap shoot. You look at them and at first, they seem all right. Maybe there’s a flash of brilliance here or some raw skill there, but everybody has those nights where they play out of their skull because of some mitigating circumstance (Friend in stands, bad grade in Chemistry, free tacos if the game finishes by eleven). They get drafted anyway because there’s really not that much left and everybody else on the board just doesn’t fit your need. But woo-hoo for you when your late round pick explodes into an amazing championship caliber surprise that quickly becomes one of the best at their position. You pat yourself on the back because you really knew this all along (Yeah, right.)

Most of the dating success stories come from the choosing of a Stockton. Maybe she’s sitting by herself in the corner, trying to avoid being pawed at by every Tom, Dick and Dick in the bar. Maybe she’s having a bad hair day that makes her coif look like somebody wrung out a Swiffer over her head. Whatever the case, you smile because you can see something inside of her. While she isn’t a number one pick, she definitely has something about her that compels you to talk to her just so your evening isn’t a total bust. You may set up another meeting again at a quieter spot, if you seem interested.

The next date is, in no other terms, amazing. She is dressed to the nines. Whatever bar-induced barriers are let down and suddenly you realize that she may just be the perfect girl for you. And since you seemed genuinely interested in her enough to not just use the evening as a quick one night stand, she may just be putting her best forward for you as well. A Stockton is tough to find, but when it does come through, you have a great story to tell your kids. If the night doesn’t go well, you may just have…

A WEIS (Also called a KNICK’s PICK)

This is somebody you draft just because you have to. Nobody will trade the pick with you. No player wows you with intangibles so you simply pick a player on need. You know they’ll be spending seasons on the bench eating up money and countless tabloid reports.

The night is almost over and you’re alone. Your ride has disappeared and you have this mission not to make a hangover and an empty wallet the only thing you leave the club with. And the pickings are slim. Quite often, the only thing you have left to choose from is the strangely dressed lady who smells strangely like dirty feet and Nutter Butters. But you’re desperate. So you belly up to her and try to start a conversation. Usually she sounds like a refugee from a chop-socky movie subtitle: the words vaguely make sense but in reality, you don’t care what she’s saying – just further along the plot and let’s get out of here.

While these circumstances are not ideal, everybody has to deal with them. Just try to not dwell on them or else you are doomed to spend years reliving them. Just ask Isiah Thomas.

I hope these will help you, knowing just what is out there for the choosing as you try to navigate the tough world of dating. Just remember, somebody passed on Michael Jordan and Tyra Banks was considered an “ugly duckling.” So, keep on drafting boys…because someday you may hold up a ring, or at least a photograph you’ll be proud to show your friends when they ask you who you’re dating.

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Comments»

1. wally - July 27, 2006

Dude lol In Amesterdam between 2 hash bars is a buger king making tons of money off the munchies these bars produce.

2. doctorolove - July 27, 2006

I know…I seriously think if BK gets into injecting their food with rampant drugs, then watch out Ronald!


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