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Come On Baby…Let’s Watch a TWIST! July 21, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in Movies.
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The twist ending. Hollywood has been using this plot device for umpteen years now. What better way for a scriptwriter, who’s been hopped up on Benzedrine, Dayquil and Flintstone’s chewables and whose script is due in just a few hours, to wrap up the loose ends he’s been trying to tie up since scene one? By tossing the viewing public one of these babies, he succeeds in both making all that didn’t fit now make sense. He also makes his film worthwhile as now legions of know-it-all nerds can sit back and triumphantly declare that “they knew it along” and even buy another ticket so they can validate themselves by noticing all the red herrings that lead up to the asinine conclusion.

I am one of those know-it-alls, and while the satisfaction I feel when figuring out just who did it or just what the mystical force is usually turns out to be my own personal joy, I still love’s me some twists. Provided they are not cheesy. You cannot throw me the “It was all a dream” twist ending. Why the hell would I feel good about myself, watching a film, that in this or any reality, never really happened? And don’t even try to placate my rage with a final salvo of the protagonist noticing some sort of tangible item that played a role in the film (A letterman’s jacket, a knife, bacon). All that does is insult my intelligence and remind me that the whole film was worth about as much of my time as a Pauly Shore movie. Oh, and don’t Occum’s Razor me and make a twist ending that is so obvious that the five year old I brought with me to score chicks (It works…try it if you don’t believe me) is shouting out the ending before the exposition.

I am again feeling excitement because it’s that time of the summer, between the latest superhero brou-ha-ha and that lame chick flick comedy that always seems to break the bank. It’s time for the latest M. Night Shyama….Shamrock…Shama Lama Ding Dong…Indian kid who always scored higher than you in class but you also secretly pitied because you were meant to be the Hollywood party boy…Shyamalan film. And if we take anything from his last films (Sixth Sense, The Village, the one before Mel Gibson totally lost his shit), we are guaranteed a twist ending. That’s just his thing, kind of like Jewish self pitying follows Woody Allen and crap follows Michael Bay.

And with a tiny exception (They call Mr. GLASS…..ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!!!), most of his endings are not of the Gouda variety. They actually make sense and add to the film as a whole. Sure, The Village was terrible, but do you understand the subtle metaphor he was stating by painting the outside world as horrible monsters who roam the outskirts of town? Ha, you feel a little worse for ripping on it now. That’s my job. To give that man his due…though I secretly wish I had has his SAT scores.

While I do not yet know the ending of his newest opus (Slight Hint: It involves a LADY and she might be IN THE WATER), I can only hope it lives up to the lofty standards his previous twists have set. But it did get me thinking. Not about other twist endings, but just what kind of touches my man M. Night could have added to some of the greatest films of our generation. Maybe, just maybe, he could have made a good thing even better, like Hershey’s syrup or when the stripper goes into two for one Happy Hour…

So here are a few examples of just how M. Night could have changed cinematic history…
(Be warned…there are some spoilers here, but if you haven’t seen any of these films, may I suggest getting cable, a Netflix subscription or just generally crawling out from that big rock crushed up against your head…)

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

Actual ending: Our lord and savior finally passes on, after enduring days of torture and realistically portrayed beatings.

“M-Night-ed” Up: Jesus actually isn’t dead. He arises from the dead a few days later. (Incidentally, this ending was filmed by Mr. Gibson, who deemed it “just too unrealistic.”)

FOREST GUMP

Actual ending: Forrest finally sees Jenny and finds he has a son, whom he takes in and cares for after Jenny dies.

“M-Nighted” Up: Forrest’s stories are all lies and he is actually an escaped mental patient. He is on the run from several military police officers after it was discovered that he actually shot John Lennon, President Kennedy and many of the other historical figures seen in the film. Heck, even through in the scene where he force feeds Mama Cass a ham sandwich and tells Elvis that he “should go take a poo.”

ROCKY

Actual ending: After months of training, Rocky loses the big fight. Yet we all feel for him, showing how a little man from the docks of Philly can summon up courage and stand toe to toe with the big bad champ.

“M-Night-ed” Up: He still loses, only know we find out that crusty trainer Mickey is really a spirit who has been guiding him from beyond the grave. Adrian is the vision he has of one of his turtles and he ends the film shadow boxing against a cardboard cut-out of Billy Dee Williams from Empire, actually thinking it’s Apollo.

TOY STORY

Actual ending: Don’t remember the ending, but I’m gonna say all the toys live happily ever after.

“M, Night-ed” Up: The toys actually do not talk and dance and have large scale meetings held by a Speak n Spell. The entire film exists in the mind of the boy many years later after he finds the “secret stash” his mom has been hiding to deal with the pain of losing her husband.

E.T.

Actual ending: ET escapes the strange men in beekeeper suits and is reunited with his family.

“M. Night-ed” Up: ET returns many years later to find Gertie has begun drinking at a young age and is married to a man whose sole source of income is committing vulgar comedic acts for attention. ET, in a fit of rage, gives him testicular cancer, which he then films. ET, upset with how Earth has turned out, blows up most of California, saving only a sunflower, some Reese’s’ pieces and Chad Michael Murray, because, come on now, who doesn’t love him?

GHOST

Actual ending: Sam completes his mission, saves his wife and then takes off to Heaven

“M. Night-ed” up: It is suddenly revealed that Whoopi’s character has been behind the scam all along and that Sam has killed an innocent man. With this, he is sent instead to Hell where he is forced to sit through never-ending marathons of Full House, eat nothing but Banana Twinkies and listen to the comedy of Rita Rudner.

A FEW GOOD MEN

Actual ending: YOU”RE GODDAMN RIGHT THAT HE DID, I mean, Jack Nicholson did it all along.

“M. Night-ed” Up: The actual murder that takes place is hushed up and portrayed as a war crime, shortly after pictures of it are blasted all across CNN. The boys are honorably discharged and spend their lives selling knives on 3 A.M. infomercials, where they will fade away into society like everybody else on those things.

THE MATRIX: REVOLUTIONS

Actual Ending: Keanu Reeves dies, the war ends and there is no hope for a sequel.

“M. Night-ed” Up: This ending is absolutely perfect the way it is.

There’s tons more, but let’s leave M. Night to come up with his own ideas for the remakes. Besides, next summer is rapidly approaching and I don’t think Spider Man 3’s ending is gonna take too many chances, do you?

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Comments»

1. feroz - July 26, 2006

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