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Let The Safetyness Begin!!! July 14, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in Pop Culture Rants.

chertoffDear Department of Homeland Security Chief Chertoff,

Much has been made over the past few weeks over the spending by your department on just what national landmarks require extra spending in fortifying their defenses against a terrorist attack. While I agree with some of your choices (Disney World, for example, because terrorists hate the Disney corporation ever since The Rescuers II and the short lived cartoon series, That’s So Osama) I think a few of them are, well, piss poor. You have listed on here an insect zoo in Florida. I grew up down there and have been to said insect zoo. They have a rather extensive security program in place, as evidenced by my arrest for trying to sneak out some giant carpenter ants for my all GI-Joe figure re-enactment of Jason and the Argonauts. The security guards are well equipped with such accoutrements as long sticks, camera cell phones and exceptionally trained loud voices. They have also been trained in the ancient art of “Hey-You,” which has recently been adapted by the Mall Security Council of America as the foremost theft deterrent discipline in the Heartland.

So, by that rationale, I ask that you add my home to the long list of government subsidized protected zones. Why, you ask? According to published reports, you are identifying targets by their worth to the country, their overall safety at the current time and their threat potency (whatever that means, by the way.). Allow us to look at my home and I believe you will find it means all the criteria for some big time government money, I mean, “safety help.”

First of all, I’m in New York City. You may have heard of us. We finally removed the bull’s-eye we had painted on the Statue of Liberty, but I think we’re still a pretty nice trophy for someone. My house is smack dab in the middle. By providing me with money, sorry, “protective funding,” I can act as a beacon of safety. I can radiate safety outwards. I can make a safety focal point from which all safety emanates from and envelops the city in safetyness. Though I would do it subtly, because radiating circles do kind of look like that pesky Bull’s-eye we just got rid of.

But wait there’s more. My home is and will continue to be the greatest source of unclean laundry in the world. Maintaining the standards I set way back in 1995, I have been piling laundry up for quite some time. As we all know, the terrorists are looking to acquire chemical weapons and all plants which manufacture said evil devices are to be protected as needed. With your money, I mean “fortification capital,” I could do my patriotic part and keep my dirty boxers out of the terrorists hands, where they could do more harm to people other than my neighbors.

As for my worth to the nation, my home currently houses a large collection of Star Wars action figures, which are valuable to the “geek community” and their vast untold wealth. Without these items existing, the economy could very well suffer inflation as one less mint condition Gamorrean Guard is removed from circulation. My home is also currently hosting the renowned festival known as “Movie Night.” Surely, this collection of, let’s say 3, friends watching the most recent Owen Wilson comedy is a festival that represents the American way of life. To the terrorists, we are infidels as we scarf down our fat based snacks and laugh at jokes involving such base items as flatulence, idolatry and that funny scene where Vince Vaughn gets kneed in the balls by that girl and doubles over. Seriously though, with the government’s money, sorry “Readiness currency,” I can sufficiently lock down my home with the necessary precautions. A big screen television will provide enough light and stability to keep the evildoers away from my home. A space age lock and one of those cool metal doors with the spinning wheel like on the Price is Right will provide the necessary fortification to keep the festival and our economy from a complete anarchical collapse.

I’m not asking for much. I have crunched the numbers and weighing all the factors (including, as I forgot to mention, several old copies of Nancy Drew books, which maintain our country’s rich history in a permanent and valuable record) I have reached the sum necessary. My home and it’s protection is worth, let’s say, $500,000. It may seem like a lot for the cool space age door, basic provisions and that cool, yet vigilant, poster of Jessica Alba I had my eye on at Spencers, but the sum will provide so much more. The money will be used to fund my security force, which will namely be me. Watching over our nation’s treasures and emanating safetyness is a full time job and I plan, with the government’s help, on working at 24/7. By funding me, you are making a statement that says, “We are committed to a safer America. And yes, we like Jessica Alba too.”

The money is small potatoes in lieu of your 80 million dollar budget. If there is no room for my stipend, think of it as one less monument in Montana that nobody ever really goes to gets cleaned. Heck, I can add that to my list of duties. Maybe take a week, leave my security post, spit and polish the Harriet Wilson Smith Whatever statue. Does anybody really go to that anyway? (If you, Mr. Chertoff, or any member of your board are a relative of Harriet Wilson Whatever, I sincerely apologize and hail her strides for, um, women’s rights involving bread making. Sure. That sounds right.)

I am vigilant and important to our nation as a whole. I will be waiting for my cash, um, no more metaphors, let’s just call it what is. I’d like it in hundreds, preferably unmarked and stored in those cool briefcases like in James Bond movies. Let me say in advance that you are getting a bargain. Let the safetyness begin.

Oh, and God Bless America, go USA and justice for all or something.


The Doctor

PS…I am busy this weekend, so if you can get the money here Monday, that’d rock. You’re a doll. Kisses and yeah, go safety!!!



1. Roy - July 14, 2006

Shocking! –rolmakao

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