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An Open Letter To This Guy from NSYNC June 22, 2006

Posted by doctorolove in Music, Pop Culture Rants.
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Dear, well, um, I don’t know your name, so, You:This Guy...

I am writing this with a heavy heart. It seems that you are already following a long path trudged by the Andrew Ridgelys, the Oateses and to, a lesser degree the Ringo Starrs of the world. I am merely saying what follows for your own good. I am a believer in all forms of tough love, and though it would be prudent to say, this doesn’t really hurt me more than it hurts you. I never released a clothing line with a mosquito as its’ mascot. Seriously, when people see bugs, they don’t think “Cool outfit,” they think bugs. Fire the guy that let you do that. And if you already have, call him up, rehire him, take him out to Chili’s, let him order some Ultimate Fajitas and an App Sampler, stiff him on the check and fire him again. But take the fajitas with you. They’re good reheated.

But I digress. You are currently at a crossroads. You are watching all of your bandmates stumble into their niche in society, while you are waiting by the phone hoping for a reunion. It’s not coming. The lead of your band is porking the third biggest female movie star in the country, the maybe gay one is doing Broadway (Thus making a maybe not necessary, but hey, I don’t judge) and the cute other one is dressing like a banana on national television, surrounding himself with more B-rate sitcom stars than Scott Baio. While it’s true, only one of them is really succeeding, the other two are doing fine, carving themselves niches…Oh wait, there were three others. Okay, maybe you ain’t doing that bad.

Take these tips, mull them over and please realize one fact: You’re approaching your mid to late twenties and are still rocking dreadlocks. Teen girls no longer swoon for a creepy older guy who permanently looks like he just got back from Spring Break.

Tip One: Learn From Those Before You.
Look at the names I listed above. They were part of mega groups that each had one thing in common: A highly talented lead that, while you’ll never admit it, let your ride their coattails to success just so they could have something from you. Maybe it was a backup voice, maybe you played a mean drum or in Oates’ case, you had some sort of facial hair that made the others look less 70’s porn by just being in your presence. They, however, did not strike while their own personal iron was hot. When the group eventually broke up, they didn’t react to the umpteen offers presented to them. Some cried personal ethics, as in “No, I will not wear a banana suit on television.” Others never quite found the offer that truly matched their personal style. Whatever the case, please note that you can quickly jump into the world of Infomercials. They’re easy money and a perfect way to expand your fanbase to include insomniacs, drunk people too lazy to find the remote and people without cable who live in Oklahoma. But strike while the strikings good.

Tip Two: Learn a New Skill
You were a good dancer, from what I could tell and I’m sure I pinpointed your voice amongst the three part harmonies. But, in this fast paced world of fame, you need to do something out of the ordinary. Look at Britney Spears. She hasn’t had an album out in years, but she’s getting major network interviews by the handload. Why? Because we knew she could sing, dance and act, but bad parenting? That’s a new skill. While I’m not suggesting you learn how to be a deadbeat dad, it wouldn’t hurt to pick up a trade. We, in pop culture society, do not just bestow fame on anyone. Okay, maybe, the Noxzema chick of the nineties, but we all lost ourselves in those eyes. There is probably a zither class at your local Y: Check it out!

Tip Three: Turn Your Back on The Band That Formed You
Sure, you’re banking on that reunion gig, but look what it did for Black Sabbath. It only succeeded in making their old Beam of Shining Stardom even more popular. Do you really want Justin to hang at the White House and tell stories he did his Third Most Popular Movie Star girl in the Lincoln bedroom right before you guys take the stage? By disagreeing with any sort of reunion, it accomplishes two things. First, you keep everyone else’s star wattage at an even keel, giving you no more ground you have to make up. Second, you make news by opening up the floodgates. Make up a reason why you’re not doing it and you can successfully find a career in activism.

Finally, Tip Four: Cut Your Hair
Seriously, there are like, ten dollars cuts at Fantastic Sams. If you’ve squandered all your cash, see Tip Two. Or ask me. I have ten bucks to help you
While I can’t speak for everyone, I can say, in my heart of hearts, that you have the tools to succeed in the world of People Who Supported Other Bigger Stars and are now Changing the Oil in my Escalade. But life is what we make of it. No Strings Attached. And some other silly pun after one of your albums. I’m sorry, I only heard that one. But you were good on it. Seriously.

Sincerely,

The Doctor
PS> The other guy in your group, the one I couldn’t remember, is writing songs about lesbians so he could score chicks. So yeah, get cracking.

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