E.A.R.W.A.C.S. – Essays About Random Wacky-Ass Culture S%$T

There was a time when people were heeding certain calls. The world was coming together as one. There were people dying. And then there was something else, followed by another thing (Don’t remember that part.) That’s right. We were the world. Heck, we were the children. We were doing some things again (Give me a break, it’s been twenty years) and we were giving.

And look how well that worked out. Last I checked, every single person in the world had a meal today ( Though the word “meal” has a grey area…to some, it’s US Surplus Wheat over dirt with a side of muddy stream water…to other’s it’s Air Sandwiches) We were the world. We were the aid. We were everything.

The eighties were the ultimate age of “tons of guilt-ridden musicians singing schmaltz to raise money for catastrophe.” We are the World was only the beginning. The Brits, not as egotistical as our good old American musicians were, merely asked us to wonder if the poor and hungry knew it was Christmas. And they even managed to get hair bands and heavy metal singers to claim they were “Stars” and all those proceeds went to…um…it went to something good. Heck, if you can wake Ronnie James Dio and brush away the coke sheen from Vince Neil’s lower lip, you’ve already changed the world. Music stepped to the forefront and took on the world’s problems. Or at least took them on with some cash put aside for licensing fees, limos, and catering by Wolfgang Puck during recording sessions.

Regardless of what you may think, they were great moments. They bonded our nation. We are the World may have fed several million people, but it also provided material for hack comedians that lasted for years (Impersonating the song in your Bob Dylan, Cyndi Lauper and Willie Nelson voice was mandatory as per the Hack Comic Code of 1987). Band Aid makes us think about the poor when they overplay the song every holiday season, but it also shed light on the fact that every British lead singer sounds alike. And Stars, just last year, donated a whopping .85 cents to something (most likely the “Home for the Ravaged Vocal Cords of Heavy Metal Screamers of the Eighties.”)

[Ed. Note: We are the World also provided the saying “Pulling an Aykroyd,” which applies to when a person, who doesn’t belong somewhere, somehow winds up being involved in a monumental cultural event…Other examples include Sha Na Na at Woodstock, Milli Vanilli at the Grammy’s, Paris Hilton at the Oscars, Jesse Ventura in the Governor’s mansion]

So with all the good these songs did, I ask you this: Why did the music industry stop? Did all of the world’s problems suddenly become solved? Why are there no more easily hummable tunes whose proceeds go to some major event’s eradication? I am putting it out there: Bring back the schmaltz!

Celebrities are still using their fame and notoriety for good causes that are more than getting a good table at Prey when DJ AM is spinning, don’t get me wrong. But they are now mostly movie stars who slip their rants in between awards acceptance speeches or show up at carefully created photo-ops with placards and signs. And Susan Sarandon can’t fit in as many events and boycotts, what with her schedule rapidly filling up with “Rocky Horror Picture Show” reunion gigs. So the music industry needs to step up. And fast, because what they ARE doing is, well, not cutting it. They’ve replaced one single we can rally around with long drawn out variety/benefit shows. We are the World really is just that now: A World of people, freaking us all out

The Concert for New York city and the nationwide telethon for 9/11 victims raised money, but their lasting entertainment value was on par with a really good hour on the Jerry Lewis telethon (like when the juggling dogs show up…those things are fricken AMAZING!) What they gave us was “Huh?” inducing renditions by modern bands of songs that didn’t quite seem to fit on two fronts: both with the theme of 9/11 and the bands singing them. Having Limp Bizkit playing a Who song is strange enough, but “Wish You were Here?” And Tori Amos singing a Tom Waits song? I don’t see how that is going to change and save our world. Their technique has morphed from magnanimous donations and record sales to confusing us all long enough that we forget the tragedies all together.

And the Concert for Katrina victims was even worse. Basically, the event taught us one thing. And no, it wasn’t about government incompetence or the ravages that faced New Orleans (Anderson Cooper already took that one…and did it in Gucci no less.) It merely showed us that Mike Myers’ improv skills are not as good as we once thought, or at least they are not good when faced with anti-governmental blanket statements about race (Kanye West – the only person in history to render Mike Myers speechless.)

Long drawn out telethons may raise money, but they more often than not just anger the people thinking they’re tuning in to watch Two and a Half Men. Music needs to get back to what it did best: The Politically Charged Anthem. Look at all the culturally and politically minded producers currently working today. Surely, one of them can pull a Quincy Jones and whip something up. If we want to get back to the peaceful and disaster free time that we knew in the eighties, an anthem is needed and fast. Actually, maybe it wasn’t all about the anthems: maybe it was the coke. Vince Neil seemed to be happier then too.